


This heavy heart of mine

by liionne



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, post-STID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-24 04:28:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liionne/pseuds/liionne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard brought him back from the dead. He bent the laws of biology to bring Jim back and he’s thanking Spock.</p><p>It stings more than it should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This heavy heart of mine

_“You saved my life.”_

He tries not to look hurt, tries to focus on the monitor in front of him. When he’s sure his voice won’t betray him, he says, “Uhura and I had something to do with it too, you know.”

And it’s a joke in Jim’ eyes, and maybe in Spock’s eyes too, but Leonard’s deadly serious and the hurt in his heart is enough to crush him. He and Uhura _did_ have something to do with it. Without Uhura, Spock would’ve beaten the life right out of him. Without Bones, that life would never have been given to Jim.

Leonard brought him back from the dead. He bent the laws of biology to bring Jim back and he’s thanking _Spock_.

It stings more than it should.

_“Spock, just… thank you.”_

It should be him. It should be him getting the thanks.

_“You are welcome, Jim.”_

If it were him he would have kissed him. Held him close.

But it’s not him, and he’s just glad when he can leave the room and request a patient transfer - Jim Kirk’s primary physician will now be Dr. Geoffrey M’Benga and Bones doesn’t feel a lick of guilt as he presses send on the request, just like Jim didn’t feel a lick of guilt when he thanked Spock instead of Leonard.

~*~

He doesn’t go back to visit. M’Benga tells him that Jim asks for him all the time, but he doesn’t care. M’Benga doesn’t understand why Leonard won’t go and see him, because apparently his best friend-and-a-little-bit-more is getting pretty distressed without him being there, but Leonard just mumbles about how if Jim’s so distressed maybe Spock should help him and leaves to go and find some meaningless job to do.

Chapel only understands because she found him in his office, crying into Jim’s medical record, with a series of notes from M’Benga saying just how well he’s doing. That’s when she understands, and she supports him too.

Because Jim Kirk is an asshole with tunnel vision, she decides.

She gets a little ticked off every time she sees him, and as she’s changing his bed sheets one day he grips her bicep tight, and any annoyance or anger in her tiny frame melts into those eyes. He looks at her with such sorrow that her heart aches.

“He listens to you, Christine.” He murmurs. “Make him come back.”

“I can’t make that man do anything.” She replies, but it’s a total lie.

“But I haven’t done anything wrong.” He says softly.

She doesn’t answer. He still doesn’t know. For someone as smart as Jim Kirk he’s not so good at arguments.

He lets go when he realises she isn’t going to answer, and she leaves feeling like she might cry too. Poor Jim. Poor Leonard. One thinks too much whilst the other doesn’t think enough.

She moves on to her next patient to make her mind off it.

~*~

After ten days, Jim is discharged from the hospital. He hasn’t seen Bones since he woke up, and he isn’t there to see him off outside the hospital. Sulu takes him home; he doesn’t mind, but he wishes that Bones was there to hold his hand.

Leonard watches the car leave from his office window on the third floor. If he cries then he doesn’t talk about it.

~*~

2 weeks since waking up and Jim still hasn’t seen him. People come by regularly, give him gifts, wish him well, stay for a whole to talk. But Leonard never comes and Jim doesn’t know why.

He doesn’t go to him, he daren’t. Leonard McCoy has decided that Jim Kirk is not worth his time anymore and Jim decides to respect that. When M’Benga comes to give him his check-up a week after discharge, he asks if he’s spoken to Dr. McCoy recently.

M’Benga says yes, he has.

Jim asks if he’s happy.

M’Benga says no, he isn’t.

Jim continues to cry himself to sleep every night, wishing he could pretend that the smell of Bones that used to linger on his pillow isn’t fading.

~*~

Leonard wants to go and see him. He wants to know that he’s okay without having to hack his medical records. But Jim doesn’t want him, doesn’t need him-

He has Spock now.

He replays it in his head all the time, the two of them having that little heartfelt moment, the moment that should have been for Jim and Bones. He thinks about what should have been - Leonard should’ve drove him home when he left the hospital, held his hand as he walked shakily back to his apartment, helped him down onto the sofa and nestled him in his arms to keep him safe and warm while they watched some cheap, crappy movie that was made in the 2060s.

But Jim has Spock now. He doesn’t need Leonard to hold his hand anymore.

And it’s not just because he thanks Spock instead of him, oh no. Bones was aboard the ship the whole time. The whole time Jim was in that chamber, saving his crew, saving Bones, he didn’t once think of Leonard. When he was dying, leaning against the glass, it was Spock he wanted to see. Not Leonard.

Leonard didn’t know he was dead until they brought him into med bay in a body bag.

Carol didn’t empathise, but she sympathised. He may have tired it on with her before but now he clung to her. She was the thing that was keeping him sober.

“You should go see him.” She says, as they sit at the kitchen table over breakfast. She stayed over, again. Bones, ever the gentleman, gives her the bed every time. It helps when he crawls back into it and all he can smell is her perfume, rather than the smell of Jim.

“He doesn’t want me anymore, Carol.” He mutters, sipping the coffee he’s nursing over the morning paper.

“He was dying,” She says softly.

“Exactly.” Leonard nods. “And isn’t that when you get your priorities in order? In your final moments?”

She doesn’t argue because it’s futile. They’ve had this argument a dozen times before. It’s a lost battle before it’s even begun.

~*~

M’Benga leaves after Jim’s final check up, a month after waking up, and is replaced with Sulu and Chekov. They clutch at each other’s hands as if one of them might disappear otherwise.

Jim wonders if maybe that’s where he went wrong.

“You should go see him.” Sulu says quietly as they watch a movie.

Jim shakes his head. “He doesn’t want me to see him.”

“He’s just upset.” Chekov murmurs.

“Exactly.” Jim nods. “I’ll only make it worse.”

They decide not to argue. Jim’s a stubborn bastard at the best of times. But when pitted against McCoy, the most stubborn bastard of them all, he becomes something else entirely.

~*~

“You didn’t thank him.”

Chapel decides to intervene. Geoffrey warns her not to, but Carol pushes her forward. After her shift, Chapel hands Leonard over to Carol, who holds his hand the whole way home. Some people think they’re dating. If only they knew.

Chapel goes over to Jim’s place. He’s sat on the sofa looking at a TV full of static. She switches it off and sits on the coffee table.

“You didn’t thank him. And you didn’t call for him whilst you died.” She explains.

Jim pales a little. “I didn’t want him to see me like that.”

“So seeing you lying cold in a body bag when he didn’t even know you were dying is better?” She asks.

Jim purses his lips.

“I thought so.” She murmurs. “She thinks that you and Spock-”

Jim frowns. “Spock? I only thanked him because he stopped Kahn, he defeated him, he brought back his blood, without him I’d be dead.”

“And what would you have done without Len?” She asks, annoyance seeping into her skin, making her itch. “What could Mr. Spock have done? Jabbed you with it and hoped it made a difference? Leonard stayed up for seventeen straight hours - on top of the twelve hours he’d already been up - to make a serum from Kahn’s blood to bring you back. It was his idea to put you in cryo until he fixed it. Until he fixed you. He wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t drink, he just wanted to work-” She paused, anger falling away as she remembered the dishevelled state of her boss-cum-big-brother, and the triumphant look on his face as he held the serum aloft.

“He put his career on the line for you, Jim.” She says softly.

“What?” He frowns.

She shakes her head, smiling a little out of delirious sadness. “He brought you back from the dead, Jim. There’s rules about that. He faced an inquiry. He was lucky not to be suspended.”

And as she leaves Jim stares at the doorway. Too much information, too much information all at once. He can’t process it all. It won’t filter.

He falls asleep thinking of how Bones’ hair might have looked, having ran his hands through it a dozen times. How wide his smile may have been. How he would have called for them to bring Jim back because he was going to fix this.

Because he always fixed things.

But he couldn’t fix this.

~*~

When they finally meet again, two months since Jim woke up, Jim’s starting to forget the smell of him. The taste of him. The hole in his heart is still there but it no longer hurts; now it’s just numb. He’s numb.

He doesn’t see them across the street. Apparently they don’t see him, because they walk right into him.

Literally.

Carol’s with him, and Jim’s heard that Carol’s been with him a lot lately. He smiles weakly as she mutters something about make up and ducks into a store nearby, leaving them alone together. They regard each other for a long time, blue eyes meeting brown, both gazes broken and slightly glazed.

“I’m sorry.” Jim murmurs. “I’m sorry for not seeing it. You did it. It was all you. Thank you.”

Leonard looks like he might cry. He presses his lips into a thin line, and pulls Jim into him. “I’m sorry too.” He whispers into his ear, his voice thick with tears.

And when they kiss, everything’s okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes in here. This little fic was actually born out of sleep deprivation, which mean the quality's probably not too great, but hey ho.


End file.
